I grew up in a broken home, my parents divorced when I was little and my dad remarried so he could go to sea as a merchant seaman. Step-mom was grandma aged but loved me. Definitely felt loved yet out of place. Years later I found out mom had an affair and the guy I called Dad was not my biological dad, but that is another story.
After high school, I got saved but didn’t have deep roots. Going into the army gave me the chance to become an alcoholic while stationed in Germany. I also lost my virginity to a prostitute while out and about in Trier with several other army buds. After the service, I got cleaned up and sober and started serving God for the most part even to the point of being a missionary.
I married and had an OK marriage, but there were rough spots. Porn was a part of it, but it was gay porn. I can’t say if it was so much a desire to connect with a guy but more a desire to look like some of the people I saw. As I tried to share my struggles with my wife, it ended in divorce after 22 years of marriage.
This period of time also gave me the chance to experiment with guys and while it did not fill the relationship need, physically it was not bad either. A lot of anguish as I was attracted to guys yet also as a Christian thought it was wrong.
Having been saved through the Baptist church, grace was seldom touched on. The relationship wasn’t even on the radar, it was all about living for God and making good choices. As I moved from the Baptists to a Charismatic fellowship I met the Holy Spirit and things began to change, though not all at once.
I got a hold of a book from Joseph Prince. Unmerited Favor changed everything for me. I learned that ALL my sins were forgiven by Jesus’ sacrifice and that there was no condemnation from God ever. When He looks at me, He sees His son and Jesus is perfect and paid a huge price for me to be His.
Drinking had gone away years ago with a combination of willpower and circumstance, but the same-sex attraction was still there.
Two major events for me happened a few years back at Catch the Fire church in Toronto, Canada. First, some teachings from Mark Virkler helped me hear God’s voice for myself, clearly every day. Since relationships are built to a large part on conversations, I started to have a real relationship with Jesus. It stopped being about religion and became about a real person that loved me. Second was the realization that there was no shame in being myself.
Turning my focus to this relationship, I found that I tend to forget about same-sex attractions. To be honest, it is not completely gone but it is so small that I can go weeks or months without thinking about it. It pops its head up once in a while, but it does not derail me as it did in the past.
Obviously, this site has many nooks and crannies to explore and I believe that you will find the tools and encouragement to gain a real relationship with our maker and not just follow frustrating religion. Without Jesus in the mix, Christianity can be one of the most frustrating journeys around.
I own the fact that I might be biased, but from the feedback I have received, I think the two books that I have written about what I have learned so far may be of help to you.
Faith Walk is my second book and is available only in hard copy here.